Right Now in Alchemy This

First dates are rarely easy. This one quickly sets new highs of oddness, disruption and distraction… Folks on a charter bus en route to Las Vegas encounter more excitement than they paid for… A team gathers as their new manager lays out a whole new game plan that may or may not resemble the game as they knew it, nor as intended.

An Odyssey of Epic Proportions Because Stepdad Said the Mafia Was out to Get Us

Mom relocated us several times, and then strangers took over our daily activities… Hell, we were even introduced to our protective doppelgängers… All this and WAY more, because mom’s new fella said the mafia was looking for us. This bizarre adventure consumes the entire episode, and, thankfully, it gets super weird… 

Snow Storm Strands Hipster Restaurant Reviewers; $18M Underground Vegas Home for Sale; Nail Salon Fights City Hall Over 'Hand Jobs' Name

On their way to review a mountainside restaurant, a group of semi-famous, hipster foodie restaurant reviewers get stuck on the road… We learn too much about the salespeople in a Real Estate office as they compete for a chance to rep a new listing of an underground mansion… What’s in a name, is the question before the Ohio State governing board. An owner of a nail salon called “Hand Jobs” fights for his creative freedom. 

Studio 54 Documentary Unused Interviews; Epic Medieval Quest; True Crime Podcaster Records an Episode at a Crime Scene

The latest documentary about Studio 54 left out a few interviews of former employees and patrons, but we got ‘em… During medieval times, several set out an epic quest in search of something majestic… While detectives inspect a crime scene, a true crime podcaster attempts to record an episode as he observes them at work…

Americans on a Guided Tour of Australia; Friends Look for Bigfoot; PA's Day 1 on a $100 Million Film Set

The term “ugly Americans” reaches new heights when a pair of Australian locals try to keep them all on the path during a guided tour of the outback… A group of friends gather in the woods to search for famed “Bigfoot,” and he has never been more safe. We’re talkin’ real dumb-dumbs… First days are always tough, but for this young production assistant, it simply couldn’t go worse for a on the set of a blockbuster film shoot. 

The Fleckman’s Try A.I. Workers for Their Home; A Wedding in the Florist Section of Walmart

The home of Connie and Carl Fleckman has been updated with  artificial intelligence domestic help in all areas. Surprisingly, things go a little sideways. Naturally, all involved end up in a courtroom and then prison… Walmart’s new wedding section includes holding actual wedding, and all the fixin's. You think you’re having a tough day…?

Many Organs in a Human Struggle for Dominance; Alternative Meat Chili Cook-Off; Local TV News Team Covers the Cook-Off

All the major organs inside a body engage in a war of words, which then escalates to a dangerous place… At a small town “state fair,” the locals compete in a chili cook-off, and there’s a new rule this year: All entrants must use of an alternative meat… The field reporter who’s covering the chili cook-off throws it to the local TV news team, and we follow the in-fighting back at the station.

Stuck on a Hospital Elevator; Time-Traveled Cavemen Spitball Ideas as App Developers; Car Dealership Offers All New DeLorean and a Truckload of Charac

Several people—some patients—get stuck on a hospital elevator when it breaks down, and they do NOT get along… Two cavemen have time-traveled to modern life and now work at an App developing company. Their ideas don’t completely suck… The bizarre cast of characters that work at this car dealership shouldn’t actually work anywhere selling anything.

Breaking News Delivered by Medieval Town Criers; Residents Committee Meeting at a Retirement Facility; Backstage at a Mid-Level Pro-Wrestling Event

What if CNN-type breaking news was delivered similarly by the town criers of the day in Medieval England. Ancient and modern day news styles fight for center stage… We eavesdrop in on a Residents Committee Meeting at a retirement home called “Leisure World.” Things get out of hand instantly, but it does allow the return of a favorite Alchemy This character, “Martin McCue…” It’s minutes before the event/match between not-yet-famous pro-wresters “The Tickler” and “Snakeman,” we’re privy to negotiations backstage between the wrestlers, a  promoter named The Colonel and a wannabe mobster regarding who’s gonna win, and who needs to lose…

Fire Dept Tries to Stop a Jumper; Quality vs Quantity in the Office; Competing Lemonade Stands

There’s a jumper, and all efforts to stop him seem to create one more insane problem after another; In this corporate office, new and historically unnecessary levels of employee-created chaos are realized; Neighbors have competing lemonade stands that lead to bizarre conflicts as well as an offer for protection from crooked cops. Featuring Brad Norman!

Furry Convention; Good Cop/Bad Cop Interrogates Serial Flasher; Drug Dealer Pushes Carrots with No Ranch Dressing

On the floor of a FurryCon, strangers sniff out more than human contact and interaction, and international intrigue is the least of it. In an interrogation room, two cops try ye olde Good Cop/Bad Cop to get a confession out of a serial flasher, and it quickly gets complicated with too many details. In an attempt to put a dent in the meth business, a dealer switches to carrots with no ranch dressing. Yeah, no, it’s not an easy transition… 

Health Inspector Surprises a Busy Restaurant; Ghost Intern Learns How to Haunt Teenagers Using a Ouija Board

When a Health Inspector surprises a restaurant, the staff does their damnedest to keep the customers happy while explaining a multitude of infractions. A couple of ghosts show the newbie around; they haunt some teenagers playing with a ouija board. And a plug for the Alchemists performing LIVE on March 2nd at Westside Comedy Theater.

Unofficially Aiding EMTs; Creating New Pro Wrestler Names and Casting Them; Getting a Sit with the Godfather

From Listener Mail: Things go a little sideways when a man attempts to help and ultimately take control of an accident scene. A production office for a wrestling federation, wherein new names and characters are created and then cast. Getting an official sit down with the local Mafia don are as difficult as you might think… A plug for the members of Alchemy This performing LIVE on March 13th at Westside Comedy Theater.

The Gods Are Indeed Crazy; The Cruise Ship & The Dinghy; Fake Séance Brought To Justice

When the Gods from all known (and some not-so-much) history get together, all hell breaks loose… Ripped from the day’s headlines, Passengers on Empress of the Sea cruise ship spot a small boat in their path. Attempts are made in earnest to offer assistance, and fail most uniquely… Also ripped from news, A Law Passed In Canada to stop prosecuting those who fake witchcraft or conduct a séance for the sole purpose of financial gain, but here we wondered quite aloud what happened in the courtroom before the law was passed, and those accused had to defend themselves…

Cult Members in Purgatory; Public Library Porn Donation; Art Gallery Thieves Get on Shark Tank

We had some wonderful scene suggestions from fans this week: The alchemists are part of a cult, a cult that ends in a mass suicide pact. Once the deed is done, they get stuck in limbo and have to try and work out what unfinished business they have to take care of. In the meantime Satan & God try to persuade each of them to choose heaven or hell as their final resting place...A librarian has to field people's questions or their excuses for late fees...A crack shot team of art thieves break into a large art gallery. 

SPECIAL GUEST: Mark Gagliardi.

Family Gives a Stranger a Ride; Taping a Culinary TV Show Competition; New, Small Western Town's Saloon, Circa 1862

Two or these three storylines were inspired by listener mail: An odd, yet familiar family of five driving on a cross-country, summer vacation pick up a hitchhiker, Scott, and he makes the trip a tad more memorable... Competitive cooking TV shows are taken to a weird and wonderful low point, thankfully, and then we go hilariously meta in the podcast world... Kevin loves that scene in every wild west movie that takes place in the town saloon. As our alchemists stretch this particular realm to its breaking point, things get goofy as hell, don’t ya know.

Superheroes With Questionable Powers; Life in the Registrar’s Office; NASA Holds Interviews for the ISS, No Experience Necessary

From Your Listener Mail: If the superhero names Captain Critique, Soup-er Man, Keeper of the Rules, Pits & Palms or Daylights Savings Man don’t ring a bell, you’re not alone… The time to get to know them is now, and you’re welcome. The office of the Registrar fills up quickly with over-worked yet under-informed teachers, coaches without borders or rules, and one funding family who’s faces haunt the halls. NASA decides to open up the opportunity to be an astronauts and work on the International Space Station... Folks from all walks of life line up, and, oh-boy, are they all not qualified.

A Runaway Train; the Author of 'How to Murder Your Husband' Stands Trial; the New Lottery Winner's New Year’s Eve Party

In the first of three scenes, as a runaway train screams along the tracks, the crew do all they can to figure out how to save the passengers from harm’s way. Yeah, no, they don’t do all that well with the task at hand. Next up in scene two, we enter a courtroom, where a case is being argued to determine if, indeed, the famed author of “How to Murder Your Husband” has, in fact, murdered her husband. Surprisingly, all is not as it appears, and incompetence may just rule the day. Last up, we head to the new year’s eve party of a simple man, who’s family has turned up in record numbers. One needn’t wonder too long whether or not the reason for the historic party turnout coincides with the host having just won the country’s largest national lottery.

Late Night at Earl’s Diner; A Séance; Angel 2nd Class Gives an Afterlife Tour to New Arrivals

It may be late, but Earl’s Diner is full and the staff is in trouble… It’s a great turn out of characters, both on the floor and in the kitchen. Next up is a late night séance, led by renown psychic, Milton Chesequa. Not all present get the answers from the spirit world that they expected. There is an angel in heaven named Carl Swipeman, who’s yet to earn his wings. He’s a bit of a tour guide in the afterlife to the new arrivals, some of which don’t seem to belong. Or do they…? Additional bi-products of these goings on are “Adopt-A-Body,” and something we’re calling “Look Who’s Talking…”

Dating Apps Dates; Y2K comes to the White House and a Hollywood Hills Showbiz Party; Swat Team Rushes PETA for Reality TV

All of the scenes this week were taken from listener's emails. First up is a series of Dating App Dates that simply could not have gone worse. The second scene offers up alternative outcomes to the Y2K scare of 1999 New Years Eve - One at the White House and the other in the Hollywood Hills at the party of a showbiz big shot. Last up is offers a look at the inner workings of a SWAT team in the process of taking control of a house full of folks from PETA, all of which is for the taping of a reality tv pilot.